apparently the secret to your success is patron
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
foreskin is a definite game changer
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
