He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
