If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
