we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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