im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize