how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
