She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Alive.
So much puke
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
