maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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