My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
