Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
