I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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