Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
