i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize