ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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