god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
