Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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