Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
As shirtless as possible
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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