if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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