ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
