I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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