I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
