barbara walters just said penis...
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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