ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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