Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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