Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
