How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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