there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
