Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
