Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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