me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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