The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
