Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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