i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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