OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
