Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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