I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
