The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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