We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
