yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
