I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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