It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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