I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
