My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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