She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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