he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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