At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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