i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
