Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
