Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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