In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
