dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
