I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
