my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Randomize
