If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
