wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
