please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize