even my farts smell like vagina
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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