I wannas sexs uuuuu
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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