You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
