Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
