Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
